Shotgun as a Verb
by paynoattention2
Summary: Shepard and Garrus spend some time hanging out on the eve of shore leave. Garrus wants to bring wine, but Shepard has other plans. Fluffy.


Garrus Vakarian was not paying attention to his work.

He tapped away at his console in the main battery of the Normandy SR2, working on what was by far the most impressive weapon build he had ever been a part of - a Thanix cannon custom built to take advantage of the ship's enormous pool of available energy.

The installation was certainly taking longer than he had hoped. All the hard physical work was finished, and technically the battery was in working order, but there were hundreds of subtle ways to tweak a gun like this to make it even more efficient and deadly. Most of them were more time-consuming than difficult for a person as talented as Garrus, and he operated on autopilot for hours at a time, letting his thoughts wander.

Recently he kept having the same conversation in his head over and over - one he and the commander had had earlier in the week. They had been bitching about how stressful their lives were, and she gave him a little good-natured flak for putting in too many hours. Right before she walked out the door, Shepard had warned that next time she came around, she wasn't going to wait for him to reach a gap in his work... She was going to just walk in and start playing with his fringe until he paid attention. He had written it off at the time, but later, when he was alone, he couldn't help but wonder if it had been more than just idle talk. Her heart rate had even elevated, if his visor readout was to be believed. She seemed so interested, but what did it matter? This particular line of thinking always ended the same way, with him being brought back to the disappointing reality of how things were. She was a human living legend, and he was a turian with a fucked-up face, so it was best not to get any funny ideas. So he told himself.

He had been working on the gun since he woke up, but the long hours didn't bother him - in fact, he preferred to keep busy. It kept him from going into a neverending feedback loop of shame and anger over how badly he had botched things on Omega. Logically he knew that beating himself up over it would accomplish nothing, but that was irrelevant.

Logic is great, but it doesn't help you sleep at night.

...

EDI had come online a few hours ago to suggest that he take a break for lunch. He had agreed it was a good idea, but he ended up just grabbing an energy bar and going back to his console, feeling like a liar. It was usually kind of nice having somebody looking out for you, but when the person doing it is an AI, it got a little surreal at times. EDI always came across as helpful, but Garrus couldn't help but think that Cerberus had installed it as a part of some sort of contingency plan if Shepard and the crew fell out of line. Open the airlocks, vent the oxygen... and the crew... into space. It would be so simple. There wouldn't even be a mess to clean up afterwards, he noted morbidly. On the other hand, Shepard seemed to trust it, so maybe-

A subtle tone chimed on the wall near the door, indicating EDI's avatar was active in the room. What timing.

"Officer Vakarian, the commander has requested your presence in her quarters." EDI stated in her usual cool tone.

Strange. Shepard checked in on him pretty frequently - sometimes to talk strategy or weapons, sometimes just to chat for a bit. She always seemed to have an uncanny ability to show up when he needed someone to talk to. Usually she just walked down to see him in the battery - he had never even been up to the top floor, let alone step foot in her cabin.

"You do mean her private quarters on the top floor, right?" Garrus was sure that's what the AI had said, but he wanted confirmation before just showing up at her doorstep.

"Yes. I recommend you do not keep her waiting."

Point taken, Garrus quickly closed down his console and walked out the door.

...

"Commander, Garrus Vakarian is now taking the ship's main elevator to your current location. He seems slightly distressed."

"Thanks for the heads up, EDI."

Shepard sat forward at her desk, now second-guessing herself. She was pretty certain things would work themselves out, but sometimes there were lines you just shouldn't-

The whoosh of her cabin's door pulling her back to the present, Shepard looked up to see her favorite turian standing stiffly in the doorway, appearing alarmed and slightly out of place. "What's wrong, commander? EDI didn't tell me what this is about."

Shepard straightened a bit in her chair, keeping the command face on for one last thing. "Relax. There's no emergency. The only thing wrong is that EDI says you've been working on the main gun for fourteen hours straight without any kind of meaningful break. Those kind of hours happen sometimes on away missions, but when we're here on the ship just traveling, that kind of workload is masochism, and I won't let you keep doing it to yourself. It's not good for you."

"Commander, I'm in the middle of installing a major upgrade to our main battery - There are still several days worth of calibrations I need to get through. Until that's done, the Normandy won't be as as strong as it could be."

"Well then, I guess it's a good thing we're headed to the Citadel for four days of shore leave." Seeing the look on his face, Shepard shook her head. "Missed that memo, did you, Vakarian? Too busy dicking around with the gun to read messages, were you? Hmmm?" She prodded.

Garrus gave a little self-conscious shrug. He did have a tendency to run himself into the ground when he was working on a project. He hadn't thought he was doing it now, but it was always hard for him to tell when he was in the middle of something. "Heh. Yeah. Okay, I'll take a break once I finish the part I'm working on."

She was making one last run through the day's messages at her console, sorting and deleting with smooth efficiency. "Try again." Didn't even look up.

"Alright, you win. I'm done for the day." He sighed.

"That's better. EDI's offered to run your numbers for you tonight. It should save you quite a bit of time."

Unable to hide his displeasure, Garrus made a turian grimace. "I would rather you left it to me. I just got my extrapolations set up the way I like them, and I'm kind a perfectionist about how I do my distance sets..."

EDI popped up nearby, right on cue. "There is no need for concern. I am not doing the calculations from the main battery, so it will not affect the setup of your console. Furthermore, I will be sending the results to your omnitool tomorrow rather than updating the gun's sets in real time as you do. This will allow you to keep complete control over the Thanix's calibrations."

"...Oh. Well, uh, thanks, EDI."

"I am glad to be of assistance. I can see from your preliminary setup that you prefer to use the golden ratio method to calculate your sets. I will be using the same method in my calculations in the hope that the transition between our work will be seamless. Logging you out, officer Vakarian."

"See? EDI's just trying to help. Okay, juuust a second..." With a few flicks and gestures Shepard's console dimmed and powered down, allowing her to give Garrus her full attention.

"Good. I'm officially off duty. Now - seeing as how we both have the night off, what do you say we go grab some slop from Gardner then come back up here for a while? If you have something else you'd rather do tonight, that's fine. It's just that we've both been all over the place since you got back onboard, and I'd really like to spend some time with you." She finished with a hopeful smile.

Garrus had never known the commander to invite anybody to her quarters for anything. But yeah, of course he wanted to spend his night off with Shepard. Who wouldn't?

"Sure. I could use some real food, and a change of scenery might do me some good. Honestly, after a while, all the numbers start to run together. How about we meet in the mess in twenty minutes or so? I need to clean up."

...

By the time the two of them were halfway done with their meal, Shepard was a bit less worried about Garrus's well-being than she had been. She knew he had taken the loss of his squad on Omega hard, but it was clear he was in a much better mental state this week than he was when he first came aboard. He had also done an incredible amount of work on the ship since they had picked him up. She felt she needed to clear the air.

"Garrus, when we talked earlier, I didn't mean to sound ungrateful. I appreciate all the work you've done here, with the guns and everything. You've been a huge help. Donnelly told me him and Daniels never would have figured out that power leakage issue by themselves."

"It's no problem. I just figure if I'm going to be here, I might as well earn my keep."

Shepard nodded. "I get that. Throwing yourself into your work can help when things get rough. Hell, I should know, I've done it enough. Just make sure to look up from your screen once in a while, or you'll miss something good."

Garrus gave her a look, subtly raising his browplates. "So I'm guessing your planner for today said one thing, triple underlined and circled - Get Vakarian to stop working."

"Aw, you're full of it. I only underlined it twice."

They resumed eating, a comfortable silence settling in.

...

The two of them deposited their plates in the oversized sink and walked off, making their way towards the elevator. "Well," Garrus said in a private tone, "that was certainly... food."

Shepard laughed as the elevator door shut in front of them, ensuring a bit of privacy. "Yeah, mine wasn't so hot either. I talked to Gardner about it a few days ago, and he says the food stores he was provided with are generic, and not very fresh on top of that. I don't get it. Cerberus spent billions on me and building this ship, then they turn around and go cheap on something as elementary as food? Amazing. Anyway, I've got a list of higher quality ingredients available on the Citadel, so I'm hitting up Zakera Ward tomorrow to pick them up. And before you ask, yes, there's dextro stuff on the list too. We didn't forget about you."

"Thanks. Not that I'm complaining, but aren't there more important things for you to worry about?"

The elevator stopped at the top deck and opened up in front of Shepard's cabin. As she entered her confirmation code, she turned to face her friend, relying on muscle memory to complete the sequence.

"Yes and no. I do have a lot on my plate... no pun intended... but making sure the crew has good food is an easy and relatively cheap way of making them happy. A well-fed crew is a satisfied, effective, and loyal crew."

"You're sneaky."

"Maybe, but socially engineering the crew really wasn't my intent. I take care of my own, Garrus."

"That you do." As the pair of them walked back into the commander's quarters, Garrus stopped abruptly. "Oh! I have a bottle of dual species wine down in the battery we can try out. I'll be right back." Garrus started to head back towards the door.

"Hey, wait! You can go grab it if you want - I do appreciate the thought. However, I have other plans, and if you're interested, we're probably not going to need the wine." Shepard flopped down heavily in the corner seat of her humongous couch, as if to punctuate her vague sentence.

"O...kay... Heh. I have to say, I'm almost afraid to ask. You have that look in your eye."

"Which look would that be?" Her words were saturated with feigned innocence.

Garrus pointed at her face with a gloved finger. "That one. Right there. The one that says: I'm about to do something irresponsible."

Shepard scoffed as she opened a well-concealed drawer on the side of the coffee table and pulled out a small box. "Come on, how long have you known me? I'm always about to do something irresponsible. Anyway, I was thinking earlier that you and I should hit the bar as soon as we get to the Citadel, but I figured it might be fun to try something a little different. Do you, uh- want to burn one with me?"

"Do I want to what?" Garrus craned his head as he sat down, peering in at the contents of the box. The intricately colored glass item was obviously a pipe of some sort, and his visor identified the bright green plant matter as cannabis sativa, some sort of drug that originated on Earth.

"Let me get this straight. You invited me up here to ask me if I want to get high with you?" His face was completely disbelieving.

Shepard winced. "Jesus. It sounds kind of bad when you put it like that. I know you're probably not familiar with cannabis, but it's nothing like red sand, the minagen series, hallex... any of that crap. It's not dangerous. It's completely legal in Citadel space, it's just kind of uncommon everywhere but back on Earth. I'm not trying to pressure you into anything, I just thought it might do the both of us some good to relax for a few hours. Look, if you're not interested, I'll put this back and we can go grab your wine. It's really no big deal."

Garrus opened his mouth then closed it again, realizing he wasn't sure what was about to come out. This was most definitely not the direction he had expected things to go tonight. He considered his options. "What does it do? I'm almost positive it wasn't part of my C-Sec training. My visor gave me an active chemical and a short article from the extranet, but I'm pretty short on context. I could look it up, but - well, what's it like? Is it a stimulant or a depressant?"

"It doesn't fit into any category very well. Closest I can say is a mild hallucinogen, but that's going to give you the wrong idea. THC kind of has different effects on different people. In general, it relaxes you and slightly distorts your perception, sometimes making you detach a bit. There's some short-term memory loss and clumsiness, but that's temporary. Time may seem to slow down a bit, and most people laugh more when they are under the influence. It's fun. At least, I think so."

"I see. How do you know when you've had too much?"

"You'll be able to tell. Just stop if you get dizzy or uncomfortable. If you're worrying about overdosing, don't. You could smoke this stuff literally all day long and all that would happen is you'd feel really weird and fall asleep. Even then, you shouldn't have much of a hangover the next day. Oh, and I looked into it - the fact that you're dextro doesn't matter. It works in the same way on most known sentient races, although I read that salarians and turians are slightly less affected than most other races. Something about your faster metabolism."

"Interesting." Garrus said, talking as much to himself as he was to Shepard. She had obviously researched this beforehand.

EDI's blue avatar sprung to life. "Commander Shepard has neglected to tell you about the increased tendency towards paranoia and panic attacks while intoxicated, as well as the minor lung damage inherent to inhaling burning plant matter. However, she has otherwise given you a fairly accurate depiction of the most obvious psychotropic effects of Tetrahydrocannabinol. It is also worth mentioning that smoking cannabis is safer than drinking alcohol, both in moderation and in excess."

"Right. Well, as long as it won't kill me or cause any permanent damage, I'm in."

"You're sure about this? I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with."

Garrus twitched his mandibles outward. "Yeah, I'm sure. It's got to be more interesting than what I previously had planned for tonight."

Shepard took out the small container and removed a largeish bud, placing it on the coffee table. As she began to break it up into small pieces, the turian picked up the bag with the rest of the greenery and began to inspect it. "So what is this stuff from? A tree?" Garrus asked, his rich voice full of skepticism. "The package says 'Mango Pine Clusterfuck', but that's what, a brand name or something? ...It actually smells kind of good. Fruity."

Shepard smiled as she finished filling the pipe's small bowl. "It doesn't grow on a tree, these are actually dried flowers. And as far as being exotic... well, this stuff was probably grown indoors, but if left on its own, cannabis will grow wild just about any but the most extreme climates on Earth. Other planets too. I've heard rumors it grows wild on Tuchanka these days."

"Everything makes so much more sense now." Garrus gasped as Shepard picked up the pipe. "A mostly benign drug that will grow almost anywhere and everywhere on Earth? I knew I was missing something. Humans aren't crazy, they're just high all the time."

Shepard elbowed Garrus in the side. "You're such a racist asshole."

"Yeah, yeah. So do you have a plan for how I'm supposed to do this? Turians don't traditionally use intoxicants by burning them. Our mouths don't do the whole, uh, suction thing very well."

...

Shepard froze, pipe halfway to her mouth. Oops. She hadn't really thought about that part of it. Her thoughts had all been about if Garrus would _want _to smoke with her, not if he would be physically _able _to. Sometimes she almost forgot he wasn't human. "Well, I could shotgun it to you." Shepard said.

"You're kidding, right? What are you going to do, go grab your Katana and shoot smoke in my face?"

His left mandible twitched involuntarily. "Please tell me that's not what you're planning."

"Garrus, I'm not shooting anything." Shepard said, rolling her eyes. "it's just an old saying for if I smoke this normally and just... blow my hits into your mouth."

"Oh." Once again, he wasn't completely sure how to proceed. Turians didn't really have a particular propensity for touching their mouths together (the mandibles got in the way), but he knew humans did. What she was suggesting was fairly intimate, especially for her. Maybe she was subtly trying to see if - no, it was much more likely he was getting his cues wrong, just like always-

"...are you okay with that? ...Garrus?"

He looked up with a small start, pulled from his internal conflict. "I'm sorry, what was that last part?"

"Stay with me here. I asked if you're okay with that. With me doing the smoking for you."

Garrus gave a small nod.

"Okay. I can think of a few other ways we could do this, but shotgunning it to you is going to be the simplest way without some kind of preparation. Are you ready?"

"I'm as ready as I'm going to get." Garrus said, eyeing the colorful glass pipe. "What do I have to do?"

"Not much. When I lean in, just open your mouth and inhale. Hold it in your lungs a couple seconds then blow it back out." She got a devious smirk on her face. "Watch out, it might burn a little."

With that, Shepard pressed the pipe to her lips and lit it, pulling the pungent smoke into her lungs. Immediately after, she leaned toward Garrus and blew it towards his face. It seemed like he inhaled at the correct time, but very little of the smoke actually made it to its intended target. They both watched closely as Garrus exhaled, and Shepard groaned at their lack of success.

"I'm no expert, but that didn't seem to go like it was supposed to."

"It really didn't. Here, switch spots with me."

After Garrus was situated in the corner seat, Shepard sat down immediately next to him, legs folded beneath her. "Now lean back and slouch down until your head is level with mine. A little further. Okay. Try tucking your jaw plates in tight so you're only inhaling through the front of your mouth."

She clicked her handheld torch and lit the bowl again, taking another hit before quickly sitting the pipe back down. Taking care to avoid his recent injuries, Shepard leaned in extremely close and placed her fingers along the tips of his mandibles, gently helping him make a better seal. With her mouth mere centimeters from his, she slightly parted her lips and blew the thick smoke directly into Garrus's waiting mouth.

It worked this time.

...

Garrus managed to get her entire lungful in and hold it for a couple seconds before his eyes showed signs of distress. As he started to make a strangled wheezing sound, Shepard clarified: "If it hurts, let it out!" He did as she suggested and exhaled, releasing a cloud into the room, followed by a series of urgent dual-layered gasps and coughs.

For a minute or two, Garrus was helpless to do anything but hack his brains out and wheeze. Then, almost as abruptly as the fit began, he got it under control. "You all right?" Shepard asked as his coughs subsided, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm fine... *ahem* ... but like you said, it burns." Garrus cleared his throat again and sniffed at the air in the cabin and made a look. "'Mango Pine Clusterfuck' smelled a lot better before you set it on fire, though."

"Most things do." Shepard smiled as she took another hit. Garrus was already in position on the couch, so she leaned in and shared it with him. He held it in for a few seconds, then exhaled it without incident.

"Hey, you did a lot better that time." Shepard sounded pleased.

"Yeah, it's not so bad when you know what to expect. Hey, uh- am I supposed to be feeling any different yet?"

"Give it some time. It generally takes a few hits to notice anything, and it'll probably take even longer for you because you won't recognize the subtle early effects."

"Got it."

As the two of them shared the rest of the pipe's contents, Garrus's slightly stoned mind unsurprisingly turned back to Omega. He had spent much of the last weeks alternating between grieving for his dead squad and planning his bloody revenge on Lantar Sidonis. However, all he felt at the moment was a shameful sense of dizzy relief that he was still alive. In all the parts of his brain where his rage usually lived, there was only a growing numbness and betrayed confusion. He and Sidonis had been squadmates. Close friends. Why would he sell them out? Maybe the Blue Suns had tortured the information out of him, or maybe they got to his family, like Shepard had suggested.

...Shepard. It was so good to be back with her. It had taken some time to really absorb the shock of her being alive again, having to convince himself he wasn't stuck in some elaborate hallucination. The heavy doses of painkillers he had been on those first few days didn't exactly make it any easier. Looking over at the small human smiling next to him, he felt a rush of gratitude and awe that was almost nauseating in its strength. Was that the drug talking, or was he letting his emotions take precedence over his better judgement? Probably both, he decided.

...

As Shepard tapped the ashes out into her palm, her eyes lit up with a topic of discussion.

"Hey! I have a question. Everybody else has been weird and evasive about it, it's driving me nuts. Why in the hell can't I find a gun with a standard ammo block anywhere on this ship? Actually, it's not just the ship, it's everywhere! What's the deal? Did every weapons manufacturer in the galaxy start taking crazy pills while I was gone?"

"That's one way to put it. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one in the galaxy who isn't completely enamored with the new spec." Garrus grumbled. "As of last year, solid blocks of ammunition are no longer the standard for small arms - they now rely on disposable thermal clips that allow you to sustain fire without overheating. The gun manufacturers all say they did extensive research and found that the chances of victory in a firefight is directly proportional to how many bullets you can fire in a short period of time, but I don't know how much of it I believe. I can't complain about the time dilation effect the new sniper rifles have, and the armor-piercing rounds are really worth picking up, but most days, I just wish I had my old Volkov back."

"I remember the day you got that rifle." Shepard reminisced. "We went to the Citadel weighed down with so much stuff our storeroom door wouldn't close right. by the time it was all sold, we were sitting on a fortune. You should have seen your face when you found out the Volkov was for you and not Ashley. I've never seen you flare that wide. I'm pretty sure that was the trip I got my favorite weapon, too... that Haliat shotgun I put two heatsinks into? That was a great gun, I never once saw it overheat. Shame it's gone."

"That wasn't the same trip you bought the infamous Phoenix armor for all of us, was it?" Garrus asked, shit-eating grin plastered across his angular features. "We looked pretty festive for a few missions."

"Noooo, that was earlier." Shepard moaned, leaning back into the couch cushion with her hands covering her face. "How did I know I wasn't finished getting grief for that? Last time I ever bought a piece of armor without having a look at it first. Ashley pulled it off okay, but I can't imagine what our enemies thought of our usual ground team. A human, a turian, and a krogan all rushing them, guns blazing, in matching pink and white armor. A few of them probably died of laughter by the time we got to them. It was embarrassing, but what the hell, it was the best gear we had at the time."

"It wasn't THAT embarrassing." Garrus conceded. "Not like that time with the Mako."

Cocking an eye in his direction, Shepard couldn't resist: "What time with the Mako?"

"The time with Wrex. You really didn't hear about that? I thought everybody knew. It's kind of-" Garrus stopped and sighed. "Oh, what the hell. I don't mind telling you."

...

"Now, you have to remember-" Garrus started off, gesturing with his slender fingers. "Me, Wrex, Tali, and Liara were all outsiders on the SR1. The rest of the crew being human really made us stick out. Even though most were pleasant enough, a lot of them were uncomfortable around the alien members of your squad... especially me and Wrex. Myself because the Relay 314 Incident wasn't all that long ago, and Wrex because... well, he's a krogan for one, and a lot of people didn't know that his jokes about eating humans were jokes."

"Seriously? People were dumb enough to think Wrex eats humans? I don't even know what to say to that." Shepard looked incredulous.

"I think it's less a problem of racism or stupidity and more of a problem of just not taking the time to get to know us, both as species and as individuals. They saw Wrex as a brutal krogan mercenary, not as a person who liked to play around with people's preconceptions of his species. Everybody on the ship knew Tali wore the suit to protect her immune system, but hardly anybody talked to her enough to know how much it _bothered_ her to be so isolated from everybody else."

Shepard nodded. It made sense. Most people tended to avoid situations that forced them to challenge their thinking on a subject, especially if that subject was their own xenophobia.

"Well, one of the things a lot of people don't know about my race is that we deal with stress more directly than most. On our military ships, the majority of us would burn off our extra energy before missions by pairing off for either sparring or sex. It was a similar situation at C-sec, at least among us turians. We have a slightly overactive sex drive compared to most species, so we don't think much of getting a quick lay in when we can."

"Really." Shepard said, a bit surprised Mordin hadn't mentioned it. She did know from talking with Garrus before that their military had looser personal regs than the alliance did, but she hadn't really thought about the ways that might manifest itself on a ship. "Doesn't that ever cause any complications?"

Garrus snapped back to attention, then gave Shepard a confused stare. "Doesn't what cause complications? Uhh. Huh. I seem to, uh - sorry." He rubbed his neck in embarrassment.

"Ha! I was wondering when it was going to finally hit you. Isn't it a strange sensation to be talking, having a conversation, and all of a sudden-"

"-your words are gone, and you're just blank?" Garrus finished, shaking his head. "It makes me feel like an idiot. I can almost... okay, wait. I remember. Wow."

He blinked, collecting his thoughts. "Right. So believe it or not, complications from our regs are rare. We have a loose set of rules to follow in any sparring match to make sure nobody gets really hurt. It happens sometimes anyway, but I've never seen it myself. As far as the sex angle goes, sometimes feelings get hurt when things get serious, but there's generally no real issues unless somebody gets pregnant, which is easy enough to avoid."

Shepard looked slightly surprised. "It'd be nice if the average human were mature enough to handle a setup like that. The Alliance brass would have an aneurysm if you tried that stuff on one of their ships."

"I can imagine." Garrus chuckled. "For some reason, turians generally have a neutral view on sex. Most other races see it as some kind of taboo - well, not the asari... you know what I mean. But we tend to just look at it as something fun to pass the time. Like sparring, only with more dicks."

Shepard burst out laughing. "Garrus, you are the fuckin' best. The only person in the galaxy who would describe sex as "sparring with more dicks". I- oh, sorry, you're trying to tell a story." She stopped talking and tried to put an innocent look on her face.

"I'm getting there." Garrus said as he flashed that half-smile he had perfected. "So as I was saying - between life on a military ship, and C-sec after that, I had become used to getting laid on a pretty regular basis. I didn't give it much thought, it was just one of the things I did for fun. Then as soon as I came aboard the Normandy - nothing. There were no other turians onboard, and I didn't want to cause an incident with the Alliance, so I just tried to deal with it the best I could. With nobody around to help relieve the tension and no private space of my own, I was going crazy. That was the worst part, not having any privacy. I couldn't even go off and take care of things myself. My only outlets were going on missions with you, and repairing the Mako all day."

Shepard felt like an ass. On the SR1, she had considered the idea of starting something with Vakarian, but he always seemed so busy, and she was terrible at playing the whole relationship game, even for something as casual as friends with benefits. Turns out he kept busy because he was too damned horny to sit still. Christ. She really didn't want to let her mind run wild with thoughts about Garrus fucking random people all the time. God, if she started thinking about it, she'd never stop. If she were to be completely honest with herself, it made her feel more than a little jealous.

"Shit, Garrus, I'm sorry. I didn't know anything was-"

He held up his hand to absolve her of guilt. "It's fine. You had more important things to worry about. So did I, for that matter."

Shepard was far from convinced, but she held her tongue and let him continue.

"After a month or two, I realized I had been overlooking an obvious solution for the lack of private space - The Mako. It was a great refuge for me for a while. I could get in, lock the doors from the inside, and have a little time to myself. It worked out for a while, until one day, I was in there, uh...how can I put this... polishing my sniper rifle. I was just getting ready to finish up, when I heard the vehicle's manual door locks and seals pop."

It was pretty clear where this was going. Snorting a laugh, Shepard grabbed the pipe off the counter and began to pack it again. Why not? Garrus didn't seem very affected yet, and she wanted to make sure he had a good time, new experiences and all.

"There was no time to make myself decent, so there I stayed, reclined back in the seat, armor partly off, penis still in my hand, and Wrex pops his head right in to ask me something about modding a shotgun with phasic rounds."

"That must have been awkward." To say the least. "What did you say?"

"What _could _I say? I gave him my best staredown and told him to come back in ten minutes."

Shepard couldn't have held her deluge of giggles back if she had tried. Doubled over with laughter, she spilled the fresh contents of the pipe all over the table. When she started to regain her composure, she had to ask: "You're telling me Wrex caught you full-on jerking off in the M35, and instead of trying to cover yourself up or distract him, _you just told him to come back after you finish?!_"

"Yeah... what was I supposed to do, lie about it?" Not familiar with the finer details of human masturbation taboo, Garrus had always been a bit confused as to why the crew found that detail so strange.

"No, no! That's fucking perfect! What did Wrex do?" Shepard asked as she gathered up the weed she had spilled, putting it back into the bowl. All she could think about was an exasperated looking Garrus snapping at Wrex to come back after he was done masturbating.

"He stomped off like he does." Garrus lowered his voice into a gruff and quite passable imitation of their krogan friend: "Turians, can't go a full day without sticking their dick in something. Do what you need to do then come find me. And you're going to be touching my shotgun, so wash your damned hands!"

"That definitely sounds like our Wrex." Shepard said, internally wishing it had been her who had walked in on him. The dirty things she would have done to him... neither of them would have walked straight for a week.

"Yeah. You know Wrex, he was just giving me a hard time - but Ashley was really touchy around me for a while, and some of the Alliance crew avoided me even more afterwards, like I was some sort of dangerous sex fiend."

"That's shitty. Like they never had to get themselves off during stressful times. Well, I guess Ashley's response isn't too surprising, given her family history." Shepard sighed. "Not that that's a good excuse, but- you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I get it."

Shepard raised her eyebrows and gestured with the packed bowl. "You in for another one? I say we get thoroughly toasted."

Garrus nodded. "Yeah, sure. I do feel kind of different...It's not like being drunk, I feel- I don't know. A little dizzy, I guess. But good. The stuff that's been bothering me lately just doesn't... seem so important right now. It's hard for me to explain."

"Trust me, I know what you mean. I was hoping this might make you feel a little better. It has a way of disconnecting you from all the crap that follows you around, at least for a while."

She almost stopped there. She was making an effort to keep the conversation light tonight, because nobody wants to deal with serious real-life stuff the first time they get stoned. However, there was this nagging voice in her head reminding her that she could be dead again by this time next year. Sooner, even. The prospect of spending the rest of her short life alone because she was scared of something as stupid as a little awkwardness with her best friend - Oh, fuck it. If not now, when? Shepard steeled herself and took the leap, damn the consequences.

Shepard nudged Garrus to make sure she had his full attention. "Hey. The next time you're climbing the walls with your teeth and you're tempted to go crank one out by yourself, why don't you just come up here and see me instead? I'd be glad to lend you a hand." She leaned into his lap and got close, her whisper tickling his ear plates. "Or any of my other parts you'd like to try out. Don't think I haven't noticed you looking."

And just like that the offer was on the table, Shepard's heart frantically pounding in a way that was usually reserved for close combat situations. The two of them had made a few innuendo-laden jokes to each other over the years, but this was different. She might as well have told him "come fuck my brains out next time you get bored".

For a terrifying moment, Garrus didn't say a word. He gave her a long sideways look, full of questioning. "I thought- You really-?" He paused for a bit to gain his composure, finding a sly smile along the way. "Well, I'd be lying if I told you I haven't been thinking about it, just- Yeah. Definitely. That is, assuming it won't kill the both of us."

"We'll be fine. We can figure it out when we're a little more sober." Shepard gave his leg an extra-friendly squeeze before forcing herself to stop there. She was aching to just straddle him here and now - but if a person is feeling nervous about having a sexual relationship with a subordinate (and she was), getting said subordinate high for the first time THEN jumping on him would be a bad fucking call if she ever heard one. Still, she was having a hard time containing her excitement. She had been so afraid he would say no, or laugh at her, or get disgusted and tell her he wasn't into humans... but aside from his initial surprise, Garrus didn't seem fazed much at all. "Definitely". His words. The urge to raise her arms and jump around the room in victory was very real.

She took the first rip off the freshly packed bowl, trying to think of something more neutral for them to talk about.

...

Shepard needn't have worried about finding a topic of conversation; they both had plenty to say. It's hard to be too awkward when you have a bad case of The Giggles. They watched the newest Blasto movie, laughing and making stupid comments the whole way through. Her exclamations of "DERRRRRRR" every time the one dopey-looking human character appeared onscreen had Garrus practically rolling on the floor. It felt so good to laugh again. They talked animatedly about new weapons, old friends, and everything else she had missed out on in the past two years.

Hours passed like minutes.

...

"Ow. My face hurts, Shepard." Garrus idly rubbed the fresh injury to his jaw.

"Well, if you'd stop grinning and waving your plates all over the place, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much." Shepard snarked as she lit the pipe again... and then immediately blew a small wisp of smoke back out. "Ugh. That is beat as hell, you don't want anything to do with it."

"It's not my fault this stuff makes everything seem so damned funny... speaking of which, I think I've had enough for tonight." Garrus's eyes were half-lidded, and even through the translator his voice sounded like it was taking a real effort to get the words out. Some things are apparently the same no matter what species you happen to be.

"Yeah, I think I'm done too. I have to say though, you did pretty good. Most people can't keep up when I'm smoking, but you've matched me bowl for bowl."

"Must be that famous turian metabolism working in my favor." Garrus imitated his commander and gave her a few friendly pokes in the ribs with a pointy elbow.

"Yeah. Right." Shepard scoffed.

"...So, Shepard. Can I ask you something?" Garrus said, firing up his omnitool and flipping through his list of files. "Back on the SR1 when we would get into firefights with the Mako, I remember a lot of times where you'd encounter a huge enemy, piss it off, strip its shields, and then get us all out of the vehicle to finish it off. I have vids here somewhere - ah." Garrus started playing a video of Shepard driving the M35 through geth hell on Feros.

"...And?"

"...And... I always wondered why we didn't just kill them with the Mako. It would have been a lot easier and safer."

Shepard gave him a wry smile and a shrug. "More XP."

"Still paying that Galaxy of Fantasy subscription fee, I see."

"Oh, hush. You play too and I know it, 'mandibularcalibraficionado'. I remember you going off on a tangent during one of those Mako runs about how the mages are overpowered. Mages are my PEOPLE, Garrus. Hell, I bet you have it recorded, looking at how long that file list is."

"At least I didn't get my username from an ancient sentient being trying to destroy all life as we know it."

"Yeah, yeah. For all the things Sovereign got wrong, he did have a cool title for himself. And I'm a vanguard too, the name made sense. Anyway, if you really want to know why all the kills on foot, it's mostly because rockets are way easier to dodge on foot than with the Mako."

"Only if you're a bad driver." Garrus deadpanned.

"Well, look who's feeling sassy! Whatever, I know I'm good." The next vid started automatically, and they quieted down to watch it. The entire scene took only about ten seconds to play out. Shepard watched herself quickly order Garrus and Tali to draw the attention of a geth juggernaut as she broke away. The Shepard on screen calmly jogged right over and unleashed four shotgun blasts right into the geth's huge metal head.

BLAM. BLAM. BLAM. BLAM.

The juggernaut jerked and fell over with a horrible screechy stuttering noise, Shepard throwing her head back and cackling like a woman possessed.

Garrus pressed a button and his humongous file list came back up on screen. It had to be hundreds of vids, all arranged and compiled by date, name, and combat situation. She couldn't believe how many there were. "Why did you record and keep all this?"

"Why wouldn't I? You're incredible when you're on a roll, which is just about all the time. I actually used that one to help train my team on Omega about the value of a good distraction."

Shepard had the grace to blush a bit at that. "Well, it's not like I was the only one shooting that thing... but yeah, that was a pretty good one, right?" She finished with a lopsided smile.

...

"Is your offer on that wine still open?" Shepard asked abruptly after a quiet moment. "I usually don't leave my cabin all lit up like this, but I need to stretch my legs, and most of the crew is sleeping by now. We could go down and grab it, maybe get a snack."

Garrus looked over towards Shepard, moving nothing but his eyes, jaw still slack - the muscle conservation of a person who is completely and utterly torched. "You mean that wine you said we didn't need? Maybe I don't _want _to share it now." Garrus teased.

"Come on. It'll be fuuuunnnnnn..." She sing-songed back.

"Shepard, I don't know. If anybody sees us staggering around on the lower decks, they'll know something's going on."

"Eh, maybe. If they do, they'll probably assume we're just drunk. Hell, on the way back, we'll have a bottle of wine with us."

Shepard pulled out a tiny can of odor neutralizer and gave the area a spritz. "EDI, could you increase air flow to my cabin? I want to clear out the last of the stank." The whoosh of the circulators got a bit louder as fresh air filled the room.

Garrus got up from the couch with a bit of a wobble and stretched his long arms out above his head, knowing when he'd been defeated. "Allllright, we'll go get it. I _could _use a bite to eat."

...

The ship was much quieter during the night shift. They were easily the loudest thing on the crew deck, pushing each other and giggling through the mess hall like a couple of wasted high school kids sneaking back home after hours. It only took a minute for Garrus to produce the bottle of wine from the main battery, and he had just joined Shepard at the refrigerator when they heard a familiar voice behind them.

"Commander. Came around for a snack?" Gardner waved as he walked over, then nodded toward Garrus. "Officer Vakarian."

Garrus shifted his feet, looking distinctly trapped. "Ah, we're off duty. You can just call me Garrus."

"Hey, Rupert!" Shepard popped her head out around the fridge door. "Same goes for me. You don't need to go through all that rank stuff when you catch us raiding the mess at 0200."

Gardner gave a knowing smile and leaned up against the counter. "All right. I like your style, guys. A minimum of bullshit. Oh, Garrus, I already talked to Shepard here, but if there's any kind of dextro meal you want made special after the new supplies come in, you just tell me and I'll do what I can."

"Okay. Uhh, I don't have anything in mind right now, but I could... send you a message." Garrus said, completely off his guard. "Thanks."

"It's no problem."

Gardner watched intently as Shepard finished loading up her plate with leftovers, balancing an orange on top of the noodles she had dished out. "I will never get used to how much food you biotics can pack away, it's unreal." He shook his head and laughed.

"Yeah, yeah. You give Whitey grief about how much she eats too?"

"Whitey? ...You mean Lawson? Hell, no. She'd beat me into the nearest bulkhead. I'd have it coming, too."

The three of them laughed. Miranda was a strong ally and a decent person, but she was also a woman not to be trifled with.

Shepard gave Garrus a half-nod. "Got everything you need?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

Gardner said his goodbyes, and was starting to walk off when he stopped and turned to talk again.

"Oh, hey. Just so the both of you know- you don't have to worry about the rumor mill. Your secret's safe with me." Rupert said with a wink, as he turned and walked out of the room.

...

"Ok, I officially like Gardner now. Officially." Shepard said as she hit the elevator's button for the top floor.

"Yeah, he's been pleasant enough with me so far." Garrus agreed. "But, uh, what secret is he keeping safe? He never said."

Shepard looked toward the ceiling, thinking about what exactly Rupert had said. She assumed he had noticed they were stoned as hell and was letting them know he's okay with it, but she supposed he could have been talking about something else entirely. "Well," she said, "Whatever it is he thinks is going on, he claims he's keeping it to himself, and right now that's good enough for me."

...

Back in the quiet safety of the commander's cabin, Garrus placed a glass of wine into Shepard's hand and joined her on the couch again, mirroring her by placing his feet on the coffee table and leaning far back into the cushions. They had both eaten, and he now felt a little more in control of his faculties. "I think our walk sobered me up a bit, I'm not quite as-" He opened his eyes wide and waved his hands erratically around his face, trying to convey sensory overload. "Feels nice now though, coming down. Relaxing. You know, we really do need to take more time for ourselves. This has been the most fun I've had in... well, a long time."

Shepard nodded and smiled. "Definitely. We spent a lot of time together on the SR1, but it felt like I was in work mode 24/7. I was so busy obsessing over everything that needed to be done, I hardly made time for anything else. Or anyone else. And that's... not how I want it to be anymore." She raised her glass of wine. "To good friends."

Garrus raised his high in response. "... and weird times."

As they both took tentative sips, Garrus's expression turned to surprise. "This is actually pretty good for dual-species wine. A little sweet for my taste, but I've had a lot worse."

Shepard shifted her drink to her other hand and turned toward Garrus, able to feel the sappy smile growing on her face but not able to stop it. Even though they had been together the entire night, being this close to him was still making her stomach do flips.

"Thank you." Shepard said, her voice hard to hear even in the quiet room.

"...What for?"

She hesitated for a moment, hoping the right words would somehow present themselves. "For the wine. For spending time with me. For always watching my back, helping me out with all these crazy missions. You mean a lot to me, Garrus. You're probably the only person who - shit, I'm terrible at this stuff-"

"Shepard." His eyes bored into her as he laid a hand on her shoulder, and hearing him say her name with such a soft and careful tone had her all but melting between the cracks in the seat cushions. God, she loved that voice. "You don't need to thank me for being your friend, or for having your back. I'd follow you anywhere. Not because you're asking me to... but because I want to."

He felt odd saying the words out loud, like he was making some sort of horrible confession by doing so. Odd, but it felt good to tell her how he felt - even if they were both still kind of intoxicated.

Garrus continued, hoping to hell he wasn't screwing this up. "I may not be too good at this stuff either, but I need to say something, even if it doesn't come out right. I've never had a serious mate before, mostly because I haven't met anybody who seems like they understand me. It just hasn't been a priority. But you - it feels like we've known each other forever, and I'd never forgive myself if I miss my chance at this. Even with everything that happened on Omega, the way I left C-Sec, even after all the fights with my father, my biggest regret in life is that it's taken so long for me to finally admit what makes me happy." Garrus closed his eyes and slowly lowered his head, initiating the turian version of a kiss. "You do." He spoke in a vibrato, voice strained with emotion.

Maybe it really was that simple. Maybe she would be allowed to have just this one thing in her life worth a damn without having to fight for it. Shepard placed her forehead against his browplate, willing herself not to cry, but her rebellious tear ducts made her eyes sting all the same. Finally, after all these years alone, she had found somebody who wanted to share himself with her. Somebody she would be proud to call her equal. Overwhelmed with relief, she felt as if her heart would burst.

"You make me happy too, Garrus." She had been afraid to tell him before, but now that they were being open with each other, it was hard to recall why there was any shame about it before.

"I know you said we should wait, but I want to show you..." He murmured as his hands wandered down to her waist, gently gripping her with his strong talons. The fluttering sensation in her guts instantly moved a bit lower.

"Dammit." Shepard thought to herself. We can't do this right now-

Gasping a bit at the contact, Shepard haltingly tried to explain herself. "Garrus, stop. I- can't drag one of my officers up to my quarters, get him high for the first time, and have sex with him all in the same night. I just can't. Maybe things are different on a turian ship, but to humans... it looks really bad. Like I'm abusing my authority. Taking advantage of you."

"It's not like that. You didn't drag me up here-" Garrus protested, shaking his head even as he released his hold on her.

"Maybe not, but people get weird about rank mixing with relationships. Well, humans do, anyway." She amended, seeing the skeptical look on his face. Shepard reluctantly took his hands off her hips and held them in her own. Even through his gloves, she could clearly feel his hands shaking slightly. "It won't be long, I promise. And if that were the only reason to wait, I might be willing to disregard it."

Garrus looked particularly dejected but stayed silent, allowing her to continue.

Shepard let out a sigh. "I don't know about you, but I've never been tested for dextro compatibility. We need to know how bad our reactions are going to be if we're not careful enough."

Garrus was disappointed, but he knew she was right. He had heard horror stories about extreme allergies, one in particular that stuck in his mind of a turian C-Sec agent who spent a few days near death a few years back because a human had sneezed on him while asking for directions to the Lower Wards.

Shepard took a deep breath and explained the strange conversation she had had the previous day with their resident salarian professor.

Mordin had taken her aside after his debriefing the day before and bluntly asked if her and Garrus were having sex yet. He was concerned she didn't know exactly what she was getting into, and he had admittedly been right. He ended up telling her more than she had ever wanted to know about dextro allergies and turian sexual idiosyncrasies, really getting into detail. It was his area of expertise, after all. She reluctantly accepted the diagrams of sexual positions and the vids, and he had been adamant that they be tested for interspecies allergies before they try anything.

"To be honest, I starting having flashbacks to my parents giving me 'the sex talk' back in grade school. The whole thing was pretty awkward. Anyway, the professor said he'd contact the both of us when the tests are done... It shouldn't take any more than a couple days. He already had samples of our blood, so all we have to do is wait for the results." She explained.

Garrus looked puzzled. "Did he really say 'yet'? As in 'having sex yet'? How could he know we were-" He trailed off there, not wanting to finish his thought out loud.

Shepard made a half-hearted laugh. "Oh, he said 'yet'. He also said he had the two of us figured out five minutes after you took off your helmet on Omega. I was pretty surprised too but if you think about it, it makes sense - he's extremely intelligent, even for a salarian. On top of that, he's a biologist with a specialty in mating and reproduction, so I'm sure Mordin knows what he's talking about."

"Right."

They both stared for a minute, neither one of them wanting to consider the possibility of this essentially being over before it started - not because they didn't get along, not because they found each other unattractive, but because their bodies were simply incompatible with each other. Nature's cruel joke. Perhaps it would be best to put it out of mind for now.

"So... yeah." Shepard started with a slightly forced smile, breaking the silence. "What do you say we make this bottle scream for mercy?"

...

The conversation gradually dwindled as fatigue set in and they continued to drink, both of them stubbornly refusing to call it a night.

Garrus opened his eyes and found he had dozed off... and so had she, from the looks of it. He nudged her leg. "Shepard. Hey. I'm heading back down to the battery."

Shepard sniffed and made a muffled disappointed sound. "Whyouleaving?"

"I'm about to pass out. You already did."

"Mmmmmmjuststay. The couch folds out. Beats a cot."

Even when she was half-asleep, Shepard made a lot of sense. Garrus watched as she stirred and got up to walk to her bathroom. She stopped and turned around when she reached the doorway. "Look, if you want to go, that's fine. But you don't have to worry about overstaying your welcome." With that, she walked into the bathroom and closed the door.

He sat and stared at the closed door, trying to decide what he should do. What did it matter where he slept? Sleeping together was a human thing, right? His paranoid mind just kept asking stupid questions. When she came back out a minute later and flashed him her usual crooked smile, he realized he needed to unclench. Who needed reasons?

She came over to the couch and fiddled with a panel on the side, causing it to... deflate a bit, for lack of a better term. When he noticed his legs beginning to lift, Garrus couldn't keep quiet any longer. "Uh, Shepard, what did you just do?"

"I told the couch you'd be sleeping here. When Kelly was going on about it, I was only halfway listening, but this thing really is ridiculous."

And so it was. Cerberus had sunk a completely insane amount of money into the ship, and the furniture was apparently no exception. The couch stopped moving, and Garrus was struck by the fact that he hadn't slept on anything this comfortable in a long time. Supportive in all the right places, and soft in all the others. And was the padding on his side warming up a bit? It sure felt like it. Shepard dimmed the lights, tossed him a blanket, then laid down on the other side with one of her own.

What a weird day, he thought to himself. Installing the completely ridiculous gun in the battery, coming up to smoke with the commander, staying up most of the night with her, sleeping on her damned couch. So much to absorb. "Don't forget," his brain cheekily reminded him, "she wants you to fuck her, too." Spirits. How was that going to work on a human ship? Getting together casually to blow off steam wouldn't be too complicated, but he was sure it was going further than that. He supposed they could just ignore rank when they were off duty. That wouldn't disrupt things much... or... Okay, Vakarian. Knock it off. You have the most incredible woman in the galaxy interested in you here, and you're already trying to make it complicated. Only you.

He stared at the ceiling, desperately wanting to say something, but everything he could think of sounded stupid. Trite. It didn't help that being this close to Shepard had this way of making it feel like time had stopped in his general vicinity. Garrus looked over and saw she had her eyes closed anyway. A bit disappointing the night was over, but it had been a long one for the both of them. Oh, well. He just hoped he'd have better luck dropping off than usual-

"imgldyhr." A mumble came from his left, but she was impossible to understand in her sleepy haze. There simply weren't any real words there.

"What was that again?" He turned over, hoping to be able to hear better.

The couch moved subtly as Shepard scooted over until she was practically on top of him, her soft features pressing up against his unyielding plates in an intimate way that made it difficult for him to think straight. "I'm glad you're here, Garrus."

"I'm glad to be here. ...more than you know." Shepard made a faint sound of approval and buried her face in his cowl, rubbing her cheek against the softer skin of his neck. His words had been the truth, and even though a good turian wouldn't be laying here with a human, telling her his most guarded feelings... when was the last time he had thought of himself as a good turian? Somewhere along the line he decided being a good person was enough.

Wanting to stay awake to relish the closeness, but unable to resist the heavy fatigue settling in him, Garrus closed his eyes and allowed himself to fully relax. After all, they would find time to be together during shore leave. With random thoughts floating up from his subconscious as he drifted further down towards sleep, it occurred to him that if they were serious about making this work, everything in his life was about to get even more complicated. He didn't care.

For the first time in years, Garrus fell asleep looking forward to what tomorrow would bring.


End file.
